Hmmmmmm, - in 'want' of help lol.........

G'day all,

I really want this to be my last 'drag down', 'negative type' post for a bit.  I am writing this here as in all honestly I feel bad about having the 'same' conversation with the 'same' people about 'same/similar things'.  I am concious that if I get a tangent in my current frame of mind I could potentially drag others down lots, - who don't deserve to be dragged down, but bottling it up inside yourself sucks too :-(  I feel bad as I know I once again dragged family down this past weekend about very similar issues of the last many many years!

I know many many people worldwide have much more earth shattering probs and concerns than me by the way!

Firstly I will say up until mid arvo yesterday, - I stayed well on track.  I got over 30k in for the week of running, some smashing resistance workouts.  Saturday's workout was cut a bit shorter than I meant it to be but I still got a 20k ride in, (to and from gym) 15 mins as intense as poss on rower and some good sets on the assisted chin up and assisted tricep dip machine.  I did weigh in on Saturday, had a decent drop, - 75.5kg, - that was after a healthy but decent sized lunch, a medium skinny flat white and same water.

I did intend a run, followed by lots of pushups/crunches/plank, lunges on Sunday but ended up just not getting it done early, then at almost lunchtime started helping my housemate moving her BF in who is new to the household!

Mid arvo yesterday housemate and I started having a few drinks and a quick chat while her BF was away cleaning up his old property.  Oops, - too much alcohol, - a bottle of crisp sav blanc, (3 full large glasses) and then 2 low carb beers over a few hours :-(  My eyes went really sleepy, I then drank heaps of water.  I felt a bit dizzy but decided on food.  I binged on my bag of parmesan cheese that had lasted over a month and was only used sparingly occasionally up till then so I had 3/4 of a bag or so to finish it off.  Also Had 4 slices toast, thick low fat cottage cheese, a tin of tuna in water, a bowl of oats with protein powder and more water.   Still felt somewhat dizzy but felt as if I had eaten more food at once than I had in a good while.  Then showered and went to bed early.

After 3 hours quick sleep I awoke to a fast strong heart rate, feeling much warmer than normal, feeling bloated and having my food repeat on me and I felt horrified, could not settle back to sleep till another 5 hours later.

I have been a bit down on myself of late for a few minor reasons, (am trying to snap out of it):
* My boss ringing me out of work last week really did have a major effect.
* I am 32, have had much fun and experiences but seem to undo much good work I do, have not alot to show for my working life, (thank goodness for Super but I can't transfer that to NZ)
* All the shit to do with my Thailand trip, I will have to pay for another tour if I wish to go, - my savings are going way down!  Kumuka has gone into liquidation and are not forthcoming in refunding me promptly.
* Not feeling I have 'made' it how I wanted to in Australia, however I love Oz!  Am in a dead end job
* In my efforts to become a more confident driver, after a little progress I always seem to get a major confidence 'knock', - therefore I haven't really progressed at all.  That limits many opportunities.
* I was a late talker, watching videos of me as a child I see I was a late developer and always looked a little 'slow off the mark'.  I constantly stress I still come across like that to others, - hence that will make it harder and maybe unrealistic for me to achieve what I want in life.  I always think, - maybe I should lower my ambitions.
* Sometimes I feel some don't take me seriously, - not that I should really worry by the way.
* I am concerning myself with the fact I may need financial help from my parents in NZ if my aspirations there are to become a reality, - I feel a bit of a 'drain' for that, 32 is too old for that.  They have helped me lots over the years. 
* I still haven't done all the round the world travel that I want!  Coulda/shoulda organised myself differently over the years.
* Just have that horrid kinda 'hopeless' feeling at the moment!
* Am really concerned my NZ aspirations will be a flop!

Today, after last night and being Monday was a drag.  I missed brekkie as tummy still felt weird.  But when I got to town I ended up getting a coffee and pumpkin scone for brekkie before work and got some Superannuation stuff sorted on phone.  The urge to binge kept being strong all day, for anything, everything, - unfortunately I listened to it......badly.  Started out with adding brie cheese to lunch roll, from then on eating at least 4-5 times more food today than I would any other day.  Including first hit of sugary stuff, - iced skinny coffee, icecream, caramel sauce, caramel cheesecake, chocolate.......galore, also a brie cheese, seafood, marinara sauce Italian thing on bread.  I've experienced this flop many times before after feeling almost invincible, in control, on track so it's familiar. 

One thing last week was I still had far too little time in bed, kept being busy only averaging 5-5.5 hours till alarm rang, so always felt on the back foot but pushed on!  Kept on being busy.

I read Craig Harper's post today on 'commitment', - as well as Michael Hill's 'Toughen Up' book recently.    The general idea is 'successful people do what most won't', they don't stop when the going gets tough.  I was pleased with my commitment in my recent 29 day challenge. Yesterday and today I had choices about whether I gave into 'urges' or not but still conciously put excess food or alcohol in my mouth, - to a point of feeling out of control and not happy with my actions.  As strong as the urges were, I could have chosen to ignore them, or at least tell myself  'they will pass', - (which they will), - then when I go to bed at night, I would feel happy with my actions.

Think that is enough for today, - I would love to say today will be my last 'binge day' for good.........

Pip :-)