G'day,
Lately have been working, doing some gardening, have just booked my next lot of Crossfit classes, (2 a week for the month of June) and playing with my cute lil nephew who is 9 weeks old today. Have also caught up with some old school friends, (whom I hadn't seen in well over 10 years, and at that stage briefly).
Here is something minor! As for the last episode of.....quick weight gain from getting off track, bingeing, etc....and wanting to 'get 'all possible ever desires', all out of my system' before getting 'on track', (hopefully for good) again, - something slightly unusual for me happened over the last few days.
I hadn't yet quite got round to making myself go for a hardcore run, finding out how much fitness I'd lost, trying some pushups, crunches etc and seeing how much I now sucked.....setting the new lower 'starting' dismal benchmark. After a layoff, - and excess quick weight, the results from that are always depressing lol! My 'usual' pattern is.....up until I did that new 'benchmark' training session....I'd get in all the um......'not so desirable foods' in non moderate quantities than I could possibly ever desire, then magically 'after that benchmark session', I would genuinely not ever desire to choose to have them off my own bat for ages......(till I lost momentum)....mental programming of course!
I did set a 'crackdown again date' a couple of weeks ago, but missed the boat on the day so to speak! However over the last week or so......I'm not wanting to eat till hungry, seem to want foods such as a variation of leanish protein with veg or salad, fresh fruit, water, um coffee and some wine, even healthy non sweet dairy options in small quantities, egg white/veg omeletes and similar, some but not excess bread, small serves avocado and occasional almonds etc......actually my normal type of 'on track/in the zone' foods I desire. I made some savoury muffins for workmates the other day, (cheese, some veg, herbs, pepper white flour, trim milk and egg). Thought I'd better not get too kinky on them and do them with wholemeal flour or ingredients they wouldn't recognise! Over the many years......they were one of my 'binge foods', I could bake and even eat a whole batch, (12 muffins alone)...hot out of the oven with lashings of butter,....only time I like butter....shhhh! Or if on track.....I didn't genuinely desire or have any if I made them and would avoid them unless in situation I felt rude avoiding them socially. The other day, well I made a random decision to have 1 muffin as a late breakfast with coffee and water, not none, not the whole batch or half the batch lol and had no desire to want to....or go and buy all the chocolate etc I could ever desire to gorge on and didn't!
Am revved for a big run tomorrow, am not expecting a great time or anything. I can see myself having a desire for, sorry for the term but 'clean food', once I'm as focussed with training as I'd like to stay again! But whether it's 'clean' food or the muffin lol........it definitely feels better to feel satisfied I haven't binged. Lets keep this going! It's really just keeping on top of the mental game, (no secret).....if those silly 'urges' come, if we ignore them the best we can, they will pass.
BTW, - I don't have many nice looking jeans or trousers which sit respectfully at the moment, - all too small and of course long pants are desired in winter over shorts. I do have one pair of jeans, but being low cut, they seem to 'pop' off my butt so I need to be mindful of that and wear a long baggy top. Even a belt didn't help. So there was a deal at Just Jeans.....one pair for $69.95 or 2 for $100. I chose a stretch, straight legged blue high waisted size 14 pair that fit now, and a choc brown stretch pair in size 12, (like nothing I have ever had before) that will match all my clothes, - which will fit when I move toward the high to mid 70's odd kg wise.
Other than that, am cruising along well!
Thursday, May 16, 2013
Wednesday, May 8, 2013
Crossfit and The Potential 'Elephant' In The Room.........
G'day!
First up: Crossfit! I have completed the 4 Elements Beginner classes now, and tonight we had a 5th session for free today where we did our Baseline WOD, (workout of day). Our first 4 beginner classes each consisted of a warm up, (Crossfit moves and often 'skipping rope skipping' like what I did as a kid), then a skills session where we learnt a variety of the basic Crossfit moves and we had them scaled to a suitable level of where we are at now. Next we had the WOD, (normally a circuit with either running or rowing machines with exercises such as squats, push presses, pullups, (yeah right, I can only do 'jumping pullups' right now, - standing on a box, hands on a bar where I can jump to get my chin above the bar!) Also Crossfit push ups, sit ups, shoulder presses, kettlebell swings, deadlifts, jumping up and down on a box using muscles/power but keeping feet together, (not confident with going very high at all with that one) plus some others! We always finish with a good stretch. It's definitely a style of training I will enjoy. At times I will love to hate it! But as it's different each workout, it will be interesting, I will learn lots, I will finally consolidate better technique with resistance moves than ever before and it will be fantastic seeing myself improve with time. Those who become really confident and fit can compete in Crossfit Games etc in the future! 10 in a class, and it's great to train with others in a setting different from Bodypump! Today, our Baseline WOD was, 400m run, 15 kettlebell swings, 20 sit ups, 10 push presses, 20 squats, 5 shoulder press, (weights/resistance to suit which we record). General standard is guys repeat twice, girls once, - but all the class did it twice! We record the time, repeat in 3 months.
Now this 'Elephant', (refer to the title of this post). Hmmm....
I have always been frustrated with the way I learn somewhat.
As a little child, once I learnt talk, (I was a bit of a late talker) I could reel off the names of all the towns/probably most of the small localities between Invercargill and Christchurch, (over 500km apart) after I had travelled that road just once with family, (at 3-4 years old)! All through school I wasn't so flash at listening and answering questions about a story a teacher read, (comprehension) as unless the topic really interested me, I went off in a daydream or couldn't concentrate! I was better at maths, (more logical). I have always been, (still am to this day) awkward looking with my form regarding exercise. For example I know I have a slightly weird running gait, my swimming technique looks awkward, I always get talked to about my form regarding resistance exercises involving weights, (I know instructors need to look after our safety!) Lets say I had to learn social skills to an extent growing up, - they didn't always come naturally but Mum taught them throughout childhood/pre teens and I still even learnt some more of my own throughout adulthood so far. In primary school I remember a teacher spending quite a bit of time with me getting me to use eye-contact when speaking to others. I thought the teacher was weird and didn't consider it important at the time, but from then on think I nailed the eye-contact issue anyway and when older, was glad I did. I had issues with getting picked on and not making as many friends as I wanted throughout school, (had a few though). I have rectified this in adulthood which is pleasing! Another thing, I was taught manners very young though!
Ummm.......so where is this going? Perhaps a very mild case of Aspergers Syndrome??? Or not??? Anyway at about 24 my Mum brought up the possible word, 'Aspergers Syndrome' with me? I was determined not to have it....the word 'syndrome' spelt 'disability' at the time, - not something I wanted! However I took her up on an offer to visit a psychologist near Perth, (this was not long after I moved to WA). I went in there explaining Mum's concern, my view on the subject. I used eye-contact and all. She gave me a multi-choice questionaire to fill out, I could figure out the answers which indicated *neurotypical* and circled them! However a few questions struck a chord, - particularly one describing 'comforting real pleasure making movements we can do to ourselves'! I know I'm in the very high minority with that one, always have been from a young age ;-). Due to my final answers, age 24 I was told I was 'normal' with a few interesting weird traits!
However, since I knew of the word 'Aspergers' now, - it has played on my mind a bit since. I researched it, watched the video tapes my Uncle used to tape of myself, my sister and cousins as kids and teenagers. I can see....my communication was a bit different. As a kid I was a bit stuck on one thing at a time, slow on the uptake socially, vacant looking. At about age 13 I realised this, - and turned to a complete skite very quickly! All good, - but my actions looked like that of about a 9 year old when I was 13, pretty much my current height and well developed for that age, - I think behaviour levelled out mid-late teens.
Now, - whether I have mild Aspergers or not, - the way I learn now annoys me. I need to learn in a rote memory style, - going over and over small bits of info till it's en-grained! Even with Crossfit, - I seem to feel annoyed if I can't quite pick up the form of a move as quickly as others in the class......therefore have to watch a you-tube video etc and practise alone over and over to pick it up properly! I'm not a big movie watcher of fiction book reader. I prefer non-fiction, biographies, sports, news, documentaries, reality TV in preference to movies and soaps. (I go into a daydream in most non-real or harder plot movies if people who I hang out with want to watch one!) It could attribute to my driving anxiety in busy areas.
After research, - I found there aren't many psychologists specialising in Aspergers or even Autism. One in Auckland I found online. Also, - I found it is a fine line and debateable where someone has mild Aspergers or is neurotypical with a higher percentile amount of aspie traits as it's on a spectrum! The answer could differ between different trained psychologists!
One area where I DON'T appear to be affected by Aspergers is......my non-need to a structured identical daily routine! I love travel, the unknown, random adventure in different countries and cultures. On a more local scale, I had never done Crossfit, didn't know anyone in my class, (most attendees went along with either friends or partners to a class).......to me that was exciting, non stressful and non-intimidating.
In conclusion, - I think we are all unique. I am open to the fact that I think some labels in some cases may be given to some people un-necessarily. If I went and paid the big money to get a successful (or not) very mild Aspergers diagnosis, I thought about what would change in my life, - nothing either way. I certainly don't want to be labelled with it! Workwise the only thing where it could be an issue is a complex job where lots of new things in very stressful, (medical namely or matter of life/death) social situations need to be learned very quickly and I avoid jobs like that. I believe the occasional person possibly has milked an Aspergers diagnosis, ie an excuse for a disability pension, when they really don't need it! I 've decided I have no interest in whether I'm diagnosed with it or not, - life won't change. The only peeps I've mentioned the potential word 'Aspergers' to is family, a close relative and ex-partner, (I have small regrets of the latter).
Enough for a day, now I've let that cat of of the bag, I don't see I need to mention it, whether I have a form of it borderline or not doesn't bother me at all but I don't need to make excuses cause of it's potential or have possible talks of it transferred to future posts! Talk soon :-)
Cheers Pip!
First up: Crossfit! I have completed the 4 Elements Beginner classes now, and tonight we had a 5th session for free today where we did our Baseline WOD, (workout of day). Our first 4 beginner classes each consisted of a warm up, (Crossfit moves and often 'skipping rope skipping' like what I did as a kid), then a skills session where we learnt a variety of the basic Crossfit moves and we had them scaled to a suitable level of where we are at now. Next we had the WOD, (normally a circuit with either running or rowing machines with exercises such as squats, push presses, pullups, (yeah right, I can only do 'jumping pullups' right now, - standing on a box, hands on a bar where I can jump to get my chin above the bar!) Also Crossfit push ups, sit ups, shoulder presses, kettlebell swings, deadlifts, jumping up and down on a box using muscles/power but keeping feet together, (not confident with going very high at all with that one) plus some others! We always finish with a good stretch. It's definitely a style of training I will enjoy. At times I will love to hate it! But as it's different each workout, it will be interesting, I will learn lots, I will finally consolidate better technique with resistance moves than ever before and it will be fantastic seeing myself improve with time. Those who become really confident and fit can compete in Crossfit Games etc in the future! 10 in a class, and it's great to train with others in a setting different from Bodypump! Today, our Baseline WOD was, 400m run, 15 kettlebell swings, 20 sit ups, 10 push presses, 20 squats, 5 shoulder press, (weights/resistance to suit which we record). General standard is guys repeat twice, girls once, - but all the class did it twice! We record the time, repeat in 3 months.
Now this 'Elephant', (refer to the title of this post). Hmmm....
I have always been frustrated with the way I learn somewhat.
As a little child, once I learnt talk, (I was a bit of a late talker) I could reel off the names of all the towns/probably most of the small localities between Invercargill and Christchurch, (over 500km apart) after I had travelled that road just once with family, (at 3-4 years old)! All through school I wasn't so flash at listening and answering questions about a story a teacher read, (comprehension) as unless the topic really interested me, I went off in a daydream or couldn't concentrate! I was better at maths, (more logical). I have always been, (still am to this day) awkward looking with my form regarding exercise. For example I know I have a slightly weird running gait, my swimming technique looks awkward, I always get talked to about my form regarding resistance exercises involving weights, (I know instructors need to look after our safety!) Lets say I had to learn social skills to an extent growing up, - they didn't always come naturally but Mum taught them throughout childhood/pre teens and I still even learnt some more of my own throughout adulthood so far. In primary school I remember a teacher spending quite a bit of time with me getting me to use eye-contact when speaking to others. I thought the teacher was weird and didn't consider it important at the time, but from then on think I nailed the eye-contact issue anyway and when older, was glad I did. I had issues with getting picked on and not making as many friends as I wanted throughout school, (had a few though). I have rectified this in adulthood which is pleasing! Another thing, I was taught manners very young though!
Ummm.......so where is this going? Perhaps a very mild case of Aspergers Syndrome??? Or not??? Anyway at about 24 my Mum brought up the possible word, 'Aspergers Syndrome' with me? I was determined not to have it....the word 'syndrome' spelt 'disability' at the time, - not something I wanted! However I took her up on an offer to visit a psychologist near Perth, (this was not long after I moved to WA). I went in there explaining Mum's concern, my view on the subject. I used eye-contact and all. She gave me a multi-choice questionaire to fill out, I could figure out the answers which indicated *neurotypical* and circled them! However a few questions struck a chord, - particularly one describing 'comforting real pleasure making movements we can do to ourselves'! I know I'm in the very high minority with that one, always have been from a young age ;-). Due to my final answers, age 24 I was told I was 'normal' with a few interesting weird traits!
However, since I knew of the word 'Aspergers' now, - it has played on my mind a bit since. I researched it, watched the video tapes my Uncle used to tape of myself, my sister and cousins as kids and teenagers. I can see....my communication was a bit different. As a kid I was a bit stuck on one thing at a time, slow on the uptake socially, vacant looking. At about age 13 I realised this, - and turned to a complete skite very quickly! All good, - but my actions looked like that of about a 9 year old when I was 13, pretty much my current height and well developed for that age, - I think behaviour levelled out mid-late teens.
Now, - whether I have mild Aspergers or not, - the way I learn now annoys me. I need to learn in a rote memory style, - going over and over small bits of info till it's en-grained! Even with Crossfit, - I seem to feel annoyed if I can't quite pick up the form of a move as quickly as others in the class......therefore have to watch a you-tube video etc and practise alone over and over to pick it up properly! I'm not a big movie watcher of fiction book reader. I prefer non-fiction, biographies, sports, news, documentaries, reality TV in preference to movies and soaps. (I go into a daydream in most non-real or harder plot movies if people who I hang out with want to watch one!) It could attribute to my driving anxiety in busy areas.
After research, - I found there aren't many psychologists specialising in Aspergers or even Autism. One in Auckland I found online. Also, - I found it is a fine line and debateable where someone has mild Aspergers or is neurotypical with a higher percentile amount of aspie traits as it's on a spectrum! The answer could differ between different trained psychologists!
One area where I DON'T appear to be affected by Aspergers is......my non-need to a structured identical daily routine! I love travel, the unknown, random adventure in different countries and cultures. On a more local scale, I had never done Crossfit, didn't know anyone in my class, (most attendees went along with either friends or partners to a class).......to me that was exciting, non stressful and non-intimidating.
In conclusion, - I think we are all unique. I am open to the fact that I think some labels in some cases may be given to some people un-necessarily. If I went and paid the big money to get a successful (or not) very mild Aspergers diagnosis, I thought about what would change in my life, - nothing either way. I certainly don't want to be labelled with it! Workwise the only thing where it could be an issue is a complex job where lots of new things in very stressful, (medical namely or matter of life/death) social situations need to be learned very quickly and I avoid jobs like that. I believe the occasional person possibly has milked an Aspergers diagnosis, ie an excuse for a disability pension, when they really don't need it! I 've decided I have no interest in whether I'm diagnosed with it or not, - life won't change. The only peeps I've mentioned the potential word 'Aspergers' to is family, a close relative and ex-partner, (I have small regrets of the latter).
Enough for a day, now I've let that cat of of the bag, I don't see I need to mention it, whether I have a form of it borderline or not doesn't bother me at all but I don't need to make excuses cause of it's potential or have possible talks of it transferred to future posts! Talk soon :-)
Cheers Pip!
Sunday, April 28, 2013
THE PLAN......
To follow on from my last post, I have decided I am ready to implement a slightly tweaked plan regarding my mission to permanently quit binge eating, get in shape, fitter and to stay that way permanently but with some potential balance. That being:
* keep off the scales for at least 8 weeks to start with.
* No wine ever is to be purchased and opened alone while chilling, - can do so only if sharing it with others or attending a social situation where others are drinking.
* At least 4 alcohol free days per week. If the desire is there to enjoy a drink, no more than 2 stubbies, (330-375ml bottles) of beer permitted if I choose to chill with a drink in my own company.
* As illustrated in the post below, - I mentioned I can have issues, (if not in zone) with sugary sweet confectionary type foods and drinks plus even deep fried beer battered fish and potato wedges or even a proper pie, (dunno why) from time to time. If IN the zone the foods don't generally ever bother me at all, but if I start, - I tend to eventually binge, - a mindset I need to lose! To combat this I have decided to give myself a 1000 calorie weekly budget if I choose to indulge in any of these types of foods, (sweet confectionary/deep fried or foods with pastry) outside of social occasions where I feel slightly out of place if I don't have what has been prepared in moderation. These indulgences are to be worked in as meals, or parts of meals or snacks, - not just extras on top of normal intake. I am not going to be paranoid enough, (not the point of this exercise) to worry whether my 1000 cal estimate is infact 942 or even 1012 calories. However some estimations of about 1000 cals a hit are: an average restaurant serve of beer battered fish with wedges OR 1 medium pie, 50g chocolate bar, can of coke, (not my style), OR a large 'skim' frappucino or smoothie with a piece of caramel slice OR 180-200g chocolate OR 3 small serves of homemade lemon pudding as a mid arvo snack, (over 3 days of course). I can choose to use none or all of my 1000 cal budget, in a week. However like alcohol, I can't carry unused calories into a future week. The purpose of this, is IF I choose to indulge in what have previously been troublesome foods, some boundaries are there and I will always feel better about myself if I keep to my boundaries.
* Now, just need to ramp up training again! I am well behind now on my running 1000km this year challenge. Training goal for this week: - 20 running kms, - happy to just jog and make up the mileage without pressure of times/hills yet, 20km bike ride, 2 x Crossfit beginner classes.
Sorry this sounds a bit boring and technical. It's better and quicker than handwriting it. Will be back next Sunday to report these doings and eventualities. :-) Will make sure I wake up tomorrow, (Monday) morning feeling as confident as I do now.
Other news: - have passed all content to do with my study over this first intake, - YAY!
* keep off the scales for at least 8 weeks to start with.
* No wine ever is to be purchased and opened alone while chilling, - can do so only if sharing it with others or attending a social situation where others are drinking.
* At least 4 alcohol free days per week. If the desire is there to enjoy a drink, no more than 2 stubbies, (330-375ml bottles) of beer permitted if I choose to chill with a drink in my own company.
* As illustrated in the post below, - I mentioned I can have issues, (if not in zone) with sugary sweet confectionary type foods and drinks plus even deep fried beer battered fish and potato wedges or even a proper pie, (dunno why) from time to time. If IN the zone the foods don't generally ever bother me at all, but if I start, - I tend to eventually binge, - a mindset I need to lose! To combat this I have decided to give myself a 1000 calorie weekly budget if I choose to indulge in any of these types of foods, (sweet confectionary/deep fried or foods with pastry) outside of social occasions where I feel slightly out of place if I don't have what has been prepared in moderation. These indulgences are to be worked in as meals, or parts of meals or snacks, - not just extras on top of normal intake. I am not going to be paranoid enough, (not the point of this exercise) to worry whether my 1000 cal estimate is infact 942 or even 1012 calories. However some estimations of about 1000 cals a hit are: an average restaurant serve of beer battered fish with wedges OR 1 medium pie, 50g chocolate bar, can of coke, (not my style), OR a large 'skim' frappucino or smoothie with a piece of caramel slice OR 180-200g chocolate OR 3 small serves of homemade lemon pudding as a mid arvo snack, (over 3 days of course). I can choose to use none or all of my 1000 cal budget, in a week. However like alcohol, I can't carry unused calories into a future week. The purpose of this, is IF I choose to indulge in what have previously been troublesome foods, some boundaries are there and I will always feel better about myself if I keep to my boundaries.
* Now, just need to ramp up training again! I am well behind now on my running 1000km this year challenge. Training goal for this week: - 20 running kms, - happy to just jog and make up the mileage without pressure of times/hills yet, 20km bike ride, 2 x Crossfit beginner classes.
Sorry this sounds a bit boring and technical. It's better and quicker than handwriting it. Will be back next Sunday to report these doings and eventualities. :-) Will make sure I wake up tomorrow, (Monday) morning feeling as confident as I do now.
Other news: - have passed all content to do with my study over this first intake, - YAY!
CROSSFIT, NEW JOURNEY, SACRIFICE, RESTRICTION.......
Firstly, - I attended my first two Crossfit beginners classes last week. The instructor is awesome, it is a style of training I want to keep up, - and improve DRAMATICALLY with. Through my own doings, (overeating) I am ashamed of my current fitness level all round, and feel very annoyed with myself, as much as I've tried the positive self talk and all! When I was asked if I'd ever done resistance training, - I replied, not recently so she didn't expect too much! At the last session, after a warm up and stretches we had a skill session where we learnt push presses, (basic level bar) and deadlifts and I mastered these easily at the time. The push presses used a different technique than I'd ever used before, - a little dip, then having to pull head through the bar during the 'push' phase. I have been doing Body pump classes off and on since I was 18.
After practise of the 'skill' moves, we went on to do an 8 minute workout which involved completing a 200m run, 7 push presses and 7 deadlifts as many times as possible. Once I got to the push presses first time, I felt I wasn't doing them right, was trying to copy the others and hoped no-one was trying to copy me! But I was purposefully at the back of the pack, so soon everyone was onto deadlifts. During the second sequence near the end, the instructor spotted me and tried to give me pointers so I listened and did more repetitions this round. I have found in classes such as pump, I could just follow the moves of the instructors up the front, - here I am going to need to learn all the moves! I can feel myself over-trying and getting frustrated if I don't learn or pick up new moves as quickly as I want but REALLY want to keep doing this. I arrived to class early, saw an experienced class during the second part of their workout and they looked amazing! I want to perform like the fit chicks in that class!!!
Another thing, - in regard to binge eating I haven't really kicked it to the kerb at all, - I don't want to go near the scales but all my largest clothes are almost bursting at the seams. I have XL semi fitted icebreaker tops I was wearing without too many rolls showing through and no jumpers when dipping below 80kg. Now the rolls have resurfaced and breasts have enlarged again. My larger shaped jackets are now overstrained if done up, - best bet is a baggy thick jumper. Guessing I've hit the mid 80s like at the beginning of the year. Plus stomach is big in relation to hips, not good for the tops of trousers as the friction turns the tops of waistband over, - up to a couple of times. I had made good ground, with a bit of an improvement in fitness levels this year so am gutted to have lost that.
I had been trying a version of intuitive eating, - no restricting. However I still don't like that. If 'in the zone' I stick to habits I'm happy with, - with sugar I genuinely don't want confectionary food for example. For a few months I can eat no sugary confectionary, (excepting social occasions where I feel rude if I don't in a moderate quantity) and not feel deprived at all, infact invincible and no desire for it.. Then for some reason I get an urge for something like a serve of lemony pudding, - then decide to allow what I consider a reasonable quantity, and then have it without guilt. That is fine, - however often the next day I get a really strong urge for say caramello chocolate, then decide on a portion, eat it without the guilt. Then the next day something else.........the point I am making is that eventually leads to full blown bingeing, where my sabotaging brain wants 'everything' - even if a week down the track, - a belief that needs changed. I guess this philosophy is similar for smokers if they re-start after quitting.
Next it occured to me: generally to get where we most desire or want in life, we need to restrict or sacrifice in other areas of our life, that applies for most things.
I received what I thought was a nice comment this week. A new friend who lives near me, (but not from here), said I seem 'different' than others in her circle who are 'from' here. I asked 'how', - she said more open to new ideas, open minded, can talk travel, accepting of most type of people, can talk about a life of a radius of more than 200k from me lol! I thought that was nice.
I am still scheming my next travel plans: - am thinking of a trip mid next year to somewhere for a couple of weeks. Not sure if it will be a week long cycling tour in Hawaii, or a trip to Canada and a hiking/biking trip at the Rockies along with a stay in Vancouver, or a biking/hiking tour somewhere in Europe or something totally different from that. I really enjoyed my G-Adventures trip to Thailand as it got off the beaten tourist track and we did/saw lots of much stuff! Have cracked down with expenses to a pleasing degree.
But to make these travel plans happen, (a trip somewhere every second year) I have decided I need to:
* Stop the habit of a facial every 2 months and the expensive serums and skincare routine I started. Back to a supermarket cleanser, combined moisturisor/sunscreen.
* Have substituted expensive Salon shampoo for Tressemae!
* Stick to my rules about the amount I spend on alcohol, and consume.
* Stick to a budget in regard to food, also everything else.
* Full time study next year to extend on from my online course this year won't be an option, - need income.
* My scheming ideas of starting a new business, - (I have visualised already how this imaginary business will function/operate).......need to be put on hold.
For me I reckon it's the same with food. Black and white. Eg, confectionary food not for me (unless for the social occasions talked above as I'm realistic) if I want to be functionally fit and lean and stay that way. Deep fried food, (such as battered fresh fish and wedges) don't need to be completely off limits but really should form no more than a small part of our diet. Thing is again, I can go months without such food easily, - then may get an 'urge' and give in to what I consider a reasonable portion without guilt. Then the next day, want a various pizza, eventually seems to lead to out of control bingeing to some degree. Maybe I can opt for something like a free meal per week, (where I can have a savoury indulgence in what I deem a 'reasonable' quantity) if I desire it, - but that's it, till the next week, and I can't save these meals up for a 'binge'. If unused, - it's unused.
I have read further blogs and articles about people with a history of wildly yo-yoing weights who end up out of shape and want to rectify this for good. Seriously my 'on track' choices seem to amount to 1200-1500 cals daily, - which some argue is low while others, (Michelle Bridges is an example of someone who I read says she eats 1200-1300 cals daily and she is active!) When I eat say that 1200-1500 cals, I think it's quite a bit of food, biggish portions and never feel over hungry or deprived, - probably due to the types of foods I choose, - and if I compare it to what I see others eat, I feel it's plentiful. But I'm not a fruit juice or soft drink haver, so my food portions are bigger than someone who would need to account for my food here but seem to eat next to nothing. And have never followed a 'specific' diet. Some sites say women need at least 2000 cals very minimum a day, - if I had that amount while training I would balloon further and feel a bit over-full to train. And I have read those depressing articles (such as one in readers digest) saying that someone that has maintained a particular weight, requires more food than someone who has reduced,(even worse yoyo reduced) to get to that particular weight to maintain.
Congrats to anyone who has gotten to the end of this novel. No, - I don't think you can outweigh science and eat more calories than you burn and still lose fat. Nor do I think you have to cut out any food groups, - but for health most of it obviously needs to be the nutritious stuff. And yes, while I don't like the terms 'sacrifice' and 'restriction' sometimes I think for me is needed for longer term gain! I totally appreciate how different things also work for different people in all aspects of life.
I have a couple of goals for this week coming.
After practise of the 'skill' moves, we went on to do an 8 minute workout which involved completing a 200m run, 7 push presses and 7 deadlifts as many times as possible. Once I got to the push presses first time, I felt I wasn't doing them right, was trying to copy the others and hoped no-one was trying to copy me! But I was purposefully at the back of the pack, so soon everyone was onto deadlifts. During the second sequence near the end, the instructor spotted me and tried to give me pointers so I listened and did more repetitions this round. I have found in classes such as pump, I could just follow the moves of the instructors up the front, - here I am going to need to learn all the moves! I can feel myself over-trying and getting frustrated if I don't learn or pick up new moves as quickly as I want but REALLY want to keep doing this. I arrived to class early, saw an experienced class during the second part of their workout and they looked amazing! I want to perform like the fit chicks in that class!!!
Another thing, - in regard to binge eating I haven't really kicked it to the kerb at all, - I don't want to go near the scales but all my largest clothes are almost bursting at the seams. I have XL semi fitted icebreaker tops I was wearing without too many rolls showing through and no jumpers when dipping below 80kg. Now the rolls have resurfaced and breasts have enlarged again. My larger shaped jackets are now overstrained if done up, - best bet is a baggy thick jumper. Guessing I've hit the mid 80s like at the beginning of the year. Plus stomach is big in relation to hips, not good for the tops of trousers as the friction turns the tops of waistband over, - up to a couple of times. I had made good ground, with a bit of an improvement in fitness levels this year so am gutted to have lost that.
I had been trying a version of intuitive eating, - no restricting. However I still don't like that. If 'in the zone' I stick to habits I'm happy with, - with sugar I genuinely don't want confectionary food for example. For a few months I can eat no sugary confectionary, (excepting social occasions where I feel rude if I don't in a moderate quantity) and not feel deprived at all, infact invincible and no desire for it.. Then for some reason I get an urge for something like a serve of lemony pudding, - then decide to allow what I consider a reasonable quantity, and then have it without guilt. That is fine, - however often the next day I get a really strong urge for say caramello chocolate, then decide on a portion, eat it without the guilt. Then the next day something else.........the point I am making is that eventually leads to full blown bingeing, where my sabotaging brain wants 'everything' - even if a week down the track, - a belief that needs changed. I guess this philosophy is similar for smokers if they re-start after quitting.
Next it occured to me: generally to get where we most desire or want in life, we need to restrict or sacrifice in other areas of our life, that applies for most things.
I received what I thought was a nice comment this week. A new friend who lives near me, (but not from here), said I seem 'different' than others in her circle who are 'from' here. I asked 'how', - she said more open to new ideas, open minded, can talk travel, accepting of most type of people, can talk about a life of a radius of more than 200k from me lol! I thought that was nice.
I am still scheming my next travel plans: - am thinking of a trip mid next year to somewhere for a couple of weeks. Not sure if it will be a week long cycling tour in Hawaii, or a trip to Canada and a hiking/biking trip at the Rockies along with a stay in Vancouver, or a biking/hiking tour somewhere in Europe or something totally different from that. I really enjoyed my G-Adventures trip to Thailand as it got off the beaten tourist track and we did/saw lots of much stuff! Have cracked down with expenses to a pleasing degree.
But to make these travel plans happen, (a trip somewhere every second year) I have decided I need to:
* Stop the habit of a facial every 2 months and the expensive serums and skincare routine I started. Back to a supermarket cleanser, combined moisturisor/sunscreen.
* Have substituted expensive Salon shampoo for Tressemae!
* Stick to my rules about the amount I spend on alcohol, and consume.
* Stick to a budget in regard to food, also everything else.
* Full time study next year to extend on from my online course this year won't be an option, - need income.
* My scheming ideas of starting a new business, - (I have visualised already how this imaginary business will function/operate).......need to be put on hold.
For me I reckon it's the same with food. Black and white. Eg, confectionary food not for me (unless for the social occasions talked above as I'm realistic) if I want to be functionally fit and lean and stay that way. Deep fried food, (such as battered fresh fish and wedges) don't need to be completely off limits but really should form no more than a small part of our diet. Thing is again, I can go months without such food easily, - then may get an 'urge' and give in to what I consider a reasonable portion without guilt. Then the next day, want a various pizza, eventually seems to lead to out of control bingeing to some degree. Maybe I can opt for something like a free meal per week, (where I can have a savoury indulgence in what I deem a 'reasonable' quantity) if I desire it, - but that's it, till the next week, and I can't save these meals up for a 'binge'. If unused, - it's unused.
I have read further blogs and articles about people with a history of wildly yo-yoing weights who end up out of shape and want to rectify this for good. Seriously my 'on track' choices seem to amount to 1200-1500 cals daily, - which some argue is low while others, (Michelle Bridges is an example of someone who I read says she eats 1200-1300 cals daily and she is active!) When I eat say that 1200-1500 cals, I think it's quite a bit of food, biggish portions and never feel over hungry or deprived, - probably due to the types of foods I choose, - and if I compare it to what I see others eat, I feel it's plentiful. But I'm not a fruit juice or soft drink haver, so my food portions are bigger than someone who would need to account for my food here but seem to eat next to nothing. And have never followed a 'specific' diet. Some sites say women need at least 2000 cals very minimum a day, - if I had that amount while training I would balloon further and feel a bit over-full to train. And I have read those depressing articles (such as one in readers digest) saying that someone that has maintained a particular weight, requires more food than someone who has reduced,(even worse yoyo reduced) to get to that particular weight to maintain.
Congrats to anyone who has gotten to the end of this novel. No, - I don't think you can outweigh science and eat more calories than you burn and still lose fat. Nor do I think you have to cut out any food groups, - but for health most of it obviously needs to be the nutritious stuff. And yes, while I don't like the terms 'sacrifice' and 'restriction' sometimes I think for me is needed for longer term gain! I totally appreciate how different things also work for different people in all aspects of life.
I have a couple of goals for this week coming.
Sunday, April 21, 2013
Good Things and Frustrations
I am grateful for so many things, - lovely house, furniture, awesome family, great friends, health, current opportunities plus much much more! :-)
But I'm so impatient! I want everything now! I work so hard, undo it all, over and over before achieving what I know I'm capable of!
I submitted the last part of my study, enjoyable but I need to get MUCH better at time management! I have a small business idea I want to give a good shot in the um, next 20 if not 10 or 5 years! The thought of work where I enjoy the challenge and believe in what I'm doing = bliss!!! But how to get started, seems so far removed from my position now!
I really want to travel more, - undertaking various experiences overseas. Still a bike ride of a week through The Big Island, Hawaii, - a trip to Canada, (bliss) hopefully a bikeride/hike around the rockies amongst it! Have not been to Europe, would like to go and I have a few things I'd luv to do there. Not to mention a hike in Nepal, - am really keen to experience that at some point! Of course some relaxing amongst such trips too! The desire to travel has that *urgency* feel to it right now!
I am loving my nephew so much when I get to see him, he is now 5 and a half weeks old already, has started smiling, he is getting stronger, he is beaut!
Thing is with me: - I have all these things I want to do, - travel, - study, change of work, work toward starting business. HOWEVER, - I will be 33 in July and I don't want to write the idea off completely of finding a man, having an awesome relationship, getting married and having a kid.
In saying that, - I have a very full busy life right now, struggle to look after myself, I love sporting events, and would be still be very content if I never had an awesome man or had kids.
However IF the man/kids thing was ever to happen I would love to be/have maintained lifestyle habits I'm proud of, be happy with my fitness level/body composition, I would want to have crossed more off my 'to do' travel list and I would want my work situation to be different! I am not the type who wants to marry a guy with money, me do nothing, him do all for me, - I like the 50/50 type split style better and working as a team! There are no men on the horizon at all, that appeal/are available and I don't have time right now haha!
Right now I know I need to stop thinking of the big lofty dreams/goals of the future, controlling the controllables, and take it day by day, cross off little achievements......and keep that going!
As for my current job, - incase you are wondering, it is sorting out tulip bulbs which come past me on a conveyor belt, - where I pick out the the ones not up to quality, - 8 plus hours of that daily! 2 months ago I was peeling these same bulbs as they came past on a conveyor belt. Think it may rise to 10 hour days this week. (Feel my enthusiasm other than money!!!) Lovely people to work with, I get on with everyone great, - seriously though! There are qualified, technical and mechanically minded people who do the more challenging jobs at my workplace. I do need to stay focussed on the job, keep my eyes open despite constant yawning and make sure my hands and eyes stay working fast enough! I am lucky to be working!
Am starting Crossfit this week, (new, exciting, scary, am concerned how bad I may be), have no assessments lingering this week, - instead just want to revise what I've submitted and learned. I aim to report back with better outcomes regarding my lifestyle doings at the end of the week, 1 day at a time though!
Pip :-)
But I'm so impatient! I want everything now! I work so hard, undo it all, over and over before achieving what I know I'm capable of!
I submitted the last part of my study, enjoyable but I need to get MUCH better at time management! I have a small business idea I want to give a good shot in the um, next 20 if not 10 or 5 years! The thought of work where I enjoy the challenge and believe in what I'm doing = bliss!!! But how to get started, seems so far removed from my position now!
I really want to travel more, - undertaking various experiences overseas. Still a bike ride of a week through The Big Island, Hawaii, - a trip to Canada, (bliss) hopefully a bikeride/hike around the rockies amongst it! Have not been to Europe, would like to go and I have a few things I'd luv to do there. Not to mention a hike in Nepal, - am really keen to experience that at some point! Of course some relaxing amongst such trips too! The desire to travel has that *urgency* feel to it right now!
I am loving my nephew so much when I get to see him, he is now 5 and a half weeks old already, has started smiling, he is getting stronger, he is beaut!
Thing is with me: - I have all these things I want to do, - travel, - study, change of work, work toward starting business. HOWEVER, - I will be 33 in July and I don't want to write the idea off completely of finding a man, having an awesome relationship, getting married and having a kid.
In saying that, - I have a very full busy life right now, struggle to look after myself, I love sporting events, and would be still be very content if I never had an awesome man or had kids.
However IF the man/kids thing was ever to happen I would love to be/have maintained lifestyle habits I'm proud of, be happy with my fitness level/body composition, I would want to have crossed more off my 'to do' travel list and I would want my work situation to be different! I am not the type who wants to marry a guy with money, me do nothing, him do all for me, - I like the 50/50 type split style better and working as a team! There are no men on the horizon at all, that appeal/are available and I don't have time right now haha!
Right now I know I need to stop thinking of the big lofty dreams/goals of the future, controlling the controllables, and take it day by day, cross off little achievements......and keep that going!
As for my current job, - incase you are wondering, it is sorting out tulip bulbs which come past me on a conveyor belt, - where I pick out the the ones not up to quality, - 8 plus hours of that daily! 2 months ago I was peeling these same bulbs as they came past on a conveyor belt. Think it may rise to 10 hour days this week. (Feel my enthusiasm other than money!!!) Lovely people to work with, I get on with everyone great, - seriously though! There are qualified, technical and mechanically minded people who do the more challenging jobs at my workplace. I do need to stay focussed on the job, keep my eyes open despite constant yawning and make sure my hands and eyes stay working fast enough! I am lucky to be working!
Am starting Crossfit this week, (new, exciting, scary, am concerned how bad I may be), have no assessments lingering this week, - instead just want to revise what I've submitted and learned. I aim to report back with better outcomes regarding my lifestyle doings at the end of the week, 1 day at a time though!
Pip :-)
Sunday, April 14, 2013
NON INSPIRING OF LATE.........
Well, - wish I had an inspiring blog post to write, - not really.
The 'challenge' didn't even fire away last week as I intended it to. Disappointed about that. Finding the balance required to get study in, train, work, have a social life, be organised, get enough sleep etc has still eluded me.
Biggest mental strain has indeed been the study. I get it done at a snails pace, but it consumes lots of my time when not working! I enjoy the topics, but just work myself into bouts of frustration in the process.
And when attempting to stop binge eating (with the idea of it FINALLY being for good)....my old habits/sabotaging part of brain/animal brain or whatever it's called still went on in it's sabotaging/hopeless type of way. All the negative self talk, such as 'you won't succeed long term/haven't yet etc' kept surfacing! I'm naturally a 'black and white' type more so, - last week was attempting a more 'grey' side of things, - but just didn't like that so much as I didn't feel there was enough drive or focus to really move forward in anything!
On the plus, I made it through all weeknights without alcohol, - although sadly made up for it (too much) on Friday and Saturday night followed by stupid totally crazy eating. Last week when I was studying, (still trying to find my ideal 'zone' and dreading a hard training session to tell me what newly gained fitness was lost)......strong crazy irrational sabotaging 'thoughts' about crazy foods 'I just wanted to tick off, before feeling 'on track', were on my mind. I had some of them, ignored the urges for others, (which left) eventually.
The silly thing I will say again is, - when 'on track' I genuinely very rarely have a desire for such types of food, - if for some reason I do I can organise to enjoy some in a quantity I consider reasonable and that is that if I choose.
I'm so so over talking about binge eating or feeling I have a problem with it. I've infact been reading up on it heaps recently. I'm mad that I haven't permanently rectified this yet, I know I CAN do it, and even HAVE done it for 6 consecutive months before on a couple of occasions.
In saying that, - I totally respect, look up to and admire many qualified bloggers who manage to juggle training, work, family, maybe study and a life. And I know by the scheme of the problems in the world and that many people face, - mine are very minor. What I would love is: to say 'I will never binge eat or drink an amount of alochol I'm ashamed of, ever again and actually believe it, - and for anyone I told to actually believe me'!
Actions are louder than words, and I don't ever give up! :-) Time to snap the yoyo for good!
The 'challenge' didn't even fire away last week as I intended it to. Disappointed about that. Finding the balance required to get study in, train, work, have a social life, be organised, get enough sleep etc has still eluded me.
Biggest mental strain has indeed been the study. I get it done at a snails pace, but it consumes lots of my time when not working! I enjoy the topics, but just work myself into bouts of frustration in the process.
And when attempting to stop binge eating (with the idea of it FINALLY being for good)....my old habits/sabotaging part of brain/animal brain or whatever it's called still went on in it's sabotaging/hopeless type of way. All the negative self talk, such as 'you won't succeed long term/haven't yet etc' kept surfacing! I'm naturally a 'black and white' type more so, - last week was attempting a more 'grey' side of things, - but just didn't like that so much as I didn't feel there was enough drive or focus to really move forward in anything!
On the plus, I made it through all weeknights without alcohol, - although sadly made up for it (too much) on Friday and Saturday night followed by stupid totally crazy eating. Last week when I was studying, (still trying to find my ideal 'zone' and dreading a hard training session to tell me what newly gained fitness was lost)......strong crazy irrational sabotaging 'thoughts' about crazy foods 'I just wanted to tick off, before feeling 'on track', were on my mind. I had some of them, ignored the urges for others, (which left) eventually.
The silly thing I will say again is, - when 'on track' I genuinely very rarely have a desire for such types of food, - if for some reason I do I can organise to enjoy some in a quantity I consider reasonable and that is that if I choose.
I'm so so over talking about binge eating or feeling I have a problem with it. I've infact been reading up on it heaps recently. I'm mad that I haven't permanently rectified this yet, I know I CAN do it, and even HAVE done it for 6 consecutive months before on a couple of occasions.
In saying that, - I totally respect, look up to and admire many qualified bloggers who manage to juggle training, work, family, maybe study and a life. And I know by the scheme of the problems in the world and that many people face, - mine are very minor. What I would love is: to say 'I will never binge eat or drink an amount of alochol I'm ashamed of, ever again and actually believe it, - and for anyone I told to actually believe me'!
Actions are louder than words, and I don't ever give up! :-) Time to snap the yoyo for good!
Monday, April 8, 2013
EMOTIONS...........DAY 1
In response to the challenge I was supposed to start today.............it wasn't the best!
I was psyching myself up last night, - * this will be it, end of the 'yo-yo' garbage etc. I will *get* and *stay* fit.
Monday-itus set in. Late last week we were told we were expected to have today off work. Therefore as I spent most of Easter studying, - I decided to relax, do other stuff over the weekend with the *intention* to study most of today haha! The work situation changed, Sunday evening we were informed we were working today. No problem and the nature of the business I know. However I do plan my time and was cursing the fact I decided to relax/do housework/enjoyable activites as well/bumming around most of the weekend! I will still get the study done, no dire measure needed yet!
I'm usually more psyched in the evening, less when woken by alarm in the morning.
Another little thing, - from the runs/events I've participated in I have run into a girl I went to school with in 2 of my races, have added eachother on facebook. She gave me a message about up and coming races, it was great to hear from her, I told her how I was considering joining a local social netball team, - but with 1 evening practice a week, then a social Friday evening game, I decided I may be taking on too much if I do the 2 Crossfit workouts a week, (which I've put my name down for and followed up further with today). To get to those Crossfit workouts is 30k each way from my home. Also still want to get my minimum of 20k a week running in along with a ride and swim or preferably both. I would love to do the social netball, but think the Crossfit would be more beneficial fitness wise and they would overlap.
Anyway this girl I went to high school with invited me to play social basketball on her team. I told her I'd never played, wasn't fully sure of the rules. This is one day a week, (Monday evenings) and the trip is over 40k each way the other direction from the town with Crossfit! She said the teams were purely very social, but had been playing for ages! I imagined they all knew each other well, supported each other but would play fairly and aggressively in reason. My friend who invited me, said tonights opposition team included lots of her work mates so there could be some fun rivelry!
We worked late and a), I couldn't be arsed going and it would have been a rushed trip, b), I wanted to study more, (got a small bit done) and c), - the main one, - I was scared! I was scared of not picking up the rules as quickly as I wanted, scared of not looking as good as the other players, scared of making dumb errors. I know I would get encouragement such as 'pass here Pip, next time do 'this' instead of 'this' and too much would make me nervous, anxious, myself feeling the need to 'overtry', then me feeling deflated and hopeless on the drive home! So I didn't go, sent her a text saying we were working late.
Don't know what it was.....just general habit on 'day 1' of starting a challenge which I hope to last a lifetime I think, BUT my mind was in overdrive about wanting....caramello chocolate, starbucks caramel frappacino, lemon self saucing pudding, sweet toblerone cocktail, skinny flat white, wine, cheese and crackers, kahlua coffee, even macaroni cheese and some gourmet pizza! Not particularly wanting just one of these, but the self sabotaging brain wanting ALL! I have experienced this on the first couple of days of a new 'challenge', but after a couple of days of not listening, the urges for such food completely go, (other than the skinny flat white coffee and wine!)
YES, I can eat any of the above foods if I really want them, none are banned, - but I just want to eat them in a way where I'm happy with decision/amount, and where I feel control, no sabotage or guilt. BUT the funny thing is when in the zone, - I'm genuinely not interested. If I really was, and knew I would be satisfied with a distinct something, and distinct portion, occasionally I'd have it.
All a mental game I know. As for tonight, I overdid the chocolate but nothing else on the above list but right now feel too sickly full but not interested to get my hands on anything else right now. To get rid of the 'oversweet' feel from the chocolate I had some egg white/salmon/vegie quiche, lunch tomoz too.
So nothing new! I just guess it's just winning the challenge of controlling moods, making controlled non-sabotaging decisions I'm happy with. Self sabotaging thoughts/urges do leave if ignored....such as tonights wine one!
I was psyching myself up last night, - * this will be it, end of the 'yo-yo' garbage etc. I will *get* and *stay* fit.
Monday-itus set in. Late last week we were told we were expected to have today off work. Therefore as I spent most of Easter studying, - I decided to relax, do other stuff over the weekend with the *intention* to study most of today haha! The work situation changed, Sunday evening we were informed we were working today. No problem and the nature of the business I know. However I do plan my time and was cursing the fact I decided to relax/do housework/enjoyable activites as well/bumming around most of the weekend! I will still get the study done, no dire measure needed yet!
I'm usually more psyched in the evening, less when woken by alarm in the morning.
Another little thing, - from the runs/events I've participated in I have run into a girl I went to school with in 2 of my races, have added eachother on facebook. She gave me a message about up and coming races, it was great to hear from her, I told her how I was considering joining a local social netball team, - but with 1 evening practice a week, then a social Friday evening game, I decided I may be taking on too much if I do the 2 Crossfit workouts a week, (which I've put my name down for and followed up further with today). To get to those Crossfit workouts is 30k each way from my home. Also still want to get my minimum of 20k a week running in along with a ride and swim or preferably both. I would love to do the social netball, but think the Crossfit would be more beneficial fitness wise and they would overlap.
Anyway this girl I went to high school with invited me to play social basketball on her team. I told her I'd never played, wasn't fully sure of the rules. This is one day a week, (Monday evenings) and the trip is over 40k each way the other direction from the town with Crossfit! She said the teams were purely very social, but had been playing for ages! I imagined they all knew each other well, supported each other but would play fairly and aggressively in reason. My friend who invited me, said tonights opposition team included lots of her work mates so there could be some fun rivelry!
We worked late and a), I couldn't be arsed going and it would have been a rushed trip, b), I wanted to study more, (got a small bit done) and c), - the main one, - I was scared! I was scared of not picking up the rules as quickly as I wanted, scared of not looking as good as the other players, scared of making dumb errors. I know I would get encouragement such as 'pass here Pip, next time do 'this' instead of 'this' and too much would make me nervous, anxious, myself feeling the need to 'overtry', then me feeling deflated and hopeless on the drive home! So I didn't go, sent her a text saying we were working late.
Don't know what it was.....just general habit on 'day 1' of starting a challenge which I hope to last a lifetime I think, BUT my mind was in overdrive about wanting....caramello chocolate, starbucks caramel frappacino, lemon self saucing pudding, sweet toblerone cocktail, skinny flat white, wine, cheese and crackers, kahlua coffee, even macaroni cheese and some gourmet pizza! Not particularly wanting just one of these, but the self sabotaging brain wanting ALL! I have experienced this on the first couple of days of a new 'challenge', but after a couple of days of not listening, the urges for such food completely go, (other than the skinny flat white coffee and wine!)
YES, I can eat any of the above foods if I really want them, none are banned, - but I just want to eat them in a way where I'm happy with decision/amount, and where I feel control, no sabotage or guilt. BUT the funny thing is when in the zone, - I'm genuinely not interested. If I really was, and knew I would be satisfied with a distinct something, and distinct portion, occasionally I'd have it.
All a mental game I know. As for tonight, I overdid the chocolate but nothing else on the above list but right now feel too sickly full but not interested to get my hands on anything else right now. To get rid of the 'oversweet' feel from the chocolate I had some egg white/salmon/vegie quiche, lunch tomoz too.
So nothing new! I just guess it's just winning the challenge of controlling moods, making controlled non-sabotaging decisions I'm happy with. Self sabotaging thoughts/urges do leave if ignored....such as tonights wine one!
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